As we prepare to go on an “almost 2 week” vacation, we are delighted to have Jim (Gra’ma’s son) fly in to be here and spend time with her while we are away.  From what I can tell, he’s excited about his trip to FL.  Lately, we have noticed that Gra’ma is adjusting very well to being here with us in terms of her sleep patterns and her appetite as we’ve noticed that she seems to be sleeping through the night and not getting up for her ‘midnight snacks’.  However, that could be that we are used to having her here, too, and that we don’t hear her rattling loud, crackly packages in the middle of the night anymore.

One thing that is on my mind, though, is her recent mood changes, and it seems she’s “thinking a lot” and is “disgusted with her [my]self”.  She’s really down on herself about losing her independence and she is struggling with the idea that she can’t care for Jim while he’s here. Although she’s close, she doesn’t want to cry, because she says it’s a sign of weakness  (I beg to differ with her,  so I encourage her to do so).  Any way, she talks so much of how she “never thought [I'd] be like this.”  I can’t imagine her pain.  I can’t imagine how it feels to be realizing that she’s lost her nurturing touch.  For a former nurse and caregiver, she’s really struggling, and it pains me to see her and feel her so upset, but I can only keep moving forward.

Here’s what I know I will do…

1)  Allow her to mourn her loss of independence.
2)  Keep reassuring her that she’s not a burden when she says that.  I keep telling her that our care for her is a “gift” we are offering.
3)  Keep her busy – she reads, she plays games on the computer, she watches television and she sleeps.
4)  When we return from vacation, we will encourage more visits to the senior center via the free door-to-door public transportation.  Hopefully, at the center she will find support via some friends, play games, and be distracted from her thoughts.  Hopefully, too, she will feel a bit independent in her trip to and from the center.

As we go on vacation, I am thinking that she’ll blossom.  She will realize that she’s more at home than she realizes.  I think she’ll naturally take over and try to “mother” Jim, but I am hoping she isn’t too hard on herself.  Nonetheless, we have to go and have a good time.   We have arranged for meals to be delivered every other day (via our wonderful church — Community of Hope’s meal ministry), and we have friends that will look in on them.  I am not too worried, I know she’s in great hands, and I know this will be a ‘growing opportunity’ for us all.

Have any of you been in this situation of full-time caregiving?  Have you experienced this psychological shift in a loved one?  How did you cope?  How did you also protect yourself in not getting too frustrated?  I find it difficult sometimes not to become too frustrated when she says, “I’m a burden” over an over again.  I find it difficult sometimes to remind myself that she is forgetful (when we’ve already had this conversation) and that she really does mean well.

There is so much more to this story, that I wish I had the time or the space to write to you and that you wouldn’t get bored with all the “backsdrop”.    Please know that we are lucky.  Norma is the SWEETEST gra’ma a person could have, and she is so pleasant, so I feel guilty sometimes when getting stressed.  I know I am lucky that we don’t have a cantankerous, mean, old, crabby woman that lives with us — no quite the opposite – she’s easy and awesome!  She alluded to the fact that she is “lucky” but I think we are lucky!  I wish I would have known her in her younger years…I bet she could have put Florence Nightingale to shame.

We are continuing to work on follow up visits with the doctor, address changes, perscription transfers, bank changes, applying for new services and getting gra’ma hearing aids.  Gra’ma seems to be settling in quite nicely for the most part, and she is letting herself become more comfortable.  During her hospital visit last week, she kept saying she wanted to go “home”, and she’d follow up a comment, “Yes, I am calling your place ‘home’.”  It was nice to hear her admit it and admit that she was comfortable here with us.  I know this transition has been a bit tough on her.

Now, we will make an appointment with the Gastroenterologist (to see if the endoscopy and the colonoscopy are necessary).   Gra’ma used to be a nurse, and she doesn’t seem to think she needs those tests, but perhaps she may be willing to listen to see what the doctor has to say.  Next, we will make a follow up appointment with her primary care physician as a routine follow up from being in the hospital and as a follow up on her leg pain.  I thought that once they got her anemia taken care of that her leg pain would disappear, since they said that her hemoglobin was so low and as a result enough oxygen wasn’t getting to her muscles.  It seems to be coming back.  Hmmm….she says her legs “are achin’ like a toothache!”  Wow.

We are also going to take a trip to the bank today to try to finalize getting her account straight.    Next, we will work on getting the paperwork for becoming the powers of attorney for her (the hospital visit confirmed the need for this).  I also need to check on hearing aids…her son is willing to get them for her, but we need to make sure we get a good deal and know what we are getting.

In the last two days, I have pondered what it would be like to not remember what I ate for breakfast (or remember even eating anything).  I was also wondering what it would be like to not remember that I read the newsaper.  Before I got up and out of the room, I would have swore that I heard gra’ma fixing herself some instant coffee .  Sure enough when I came out, the cup was rinsed, and upside down on a paper towel.  Then, a few minutes later when I turned around she had made herself some more coffee (she only drinks one cup a day), at the same time saying she hadn’t had her coffee this morning.  Thank goodness it’s decaf.  Later in the day, we were in the grocery store, and gra’ma saw the news paper and said, “You want a paper?”  She didn’t remember that she already read today’s paper.

This morning she awoke “disgusted” with herself and has been a bit “off” today.  She gets to thinking and worrying about her health, etc.  She has already had chest pains this morning, too — due to her anxiety.  I wonder if they really know inside that dementia is setting in?  I wonder if they feel sad about it, too?  I wonder if they even realize the changes that are happening.  We just remain patient and continue to love her.

Off to love on gra’ma a bit.

It’s been a very eventful few days because the blood tests came back, and as the cardiologist put it, “her iron is life threateningly low”. So, they wanted us to handle this ASAP, so on Tuesday night after finally getting a hold of a PCP on-call doctor (wasn’t that an ordeal!) we made a trip to the emergency room.  Whew!  They admitted her and administered 2 pints of blood and some iron.  Now, they want to do an endoscopy and a colonoscopy.  We had our doubts as to whether to put her through this ordeal at 86 but the cardiologist gave us a 2nd opinion and highly recommended the procedures be done.  So, it’s off to more doctors this upcoming week.   Thankfully, Gra’ma is out of the hospital and feeling great that she’s back home.

When we don’t get sleep it’s rough, huh?  I know that I see things more clearly after a well-rested night, and Sunday was a rough day for me in focus, attitude and clarity simply because I wasn’t getting enough sleep.  Monday was a great day, and I realized the only difference was that I had a great night of sleep.  Gra’ma is restless and up and down all night, so our first week with her has been similar to our times with our infant foster children.  Any little noise we hear we are up and running to check on her.  Most of the time she is trying to medicate, so we watch her closely.

Once we get used to her patterns, needs and behaviors and we learn to relax, things will settle a bit.  This whole week gra’ma has been having severe leg cramps — we’ve ruled out charlie horses — they are more like a muscle spasms/contractions.  They are deep inside her leg and they keep her awake at night, so I am at a loss as to what to do. Yesterday, a doctor prescribed a muscle relaxer for her, and it didn’t work.  In fact, I think she had the worst night so far since we’ve had her here.  She is starting to show redness under her eyes from lack of sleep. We went today for a blood test, and we are hoping that it shows what may be wrong with her legs.  Any thoughts?  Keep us in your prayers.  Anyway, this morning when I awoke, she seemed agitated, and out of sorts, so I sat and listened to her as she cried.  It breaks my heart to see her so frustrated, tired and agitated, so all I can do is be patient and listen.

She is still mourning the loss of her husband, Ray who died 15+ years ago, she is mourning the loss of family and friends, she is mourning the loss of her independence, she’s mourning the loss of life as she remembers it.  Wow!  The circle of life.  I just keep hugging her and crying with her — this is all part of the cycle.  I am thankful that God has given me the patience, the heart, and the ability to listen.  It’s amazing how much I am growing to love someone that I hardly know.

Well, that’s enough for now.  More adventures to come.

Thanks to all who are reading and enjoying these adventures.

Hugs to all,
Trish

Laugh for the day:  Gra’ma was going through some of her old things, and she found a tube of Anti-Wrinkle Cream.  She turned to me and said, a lot of good that will do and chuckled.  She’s got a great sense of humor even in her pain.  Gotta love her!

Our life has changed…by choice.  We chose to have Walt’s grandmother move in with us since we have the space and since I work from home.  Everyone is convinced this is the best place for her since her son, who lives in cold (brr…) Boston is unable to be home with her during the day.  Also, we knew that gra’ma didn’t want to go to the cold, and we knew that she definitely wasn’t ready for a nursing home.  I want to share my journey with you because I know that I can learn from many of you and your experiences and you may be able to learn from mine.

Here’s a little back story as to where Walt and I are in our life.  In December, one of our previous foster children who had been living with us returned home to her mom (all willingly).  As a result, Walt and I pondered adoption and our options for having a family, (we learned 2 years ago we are unable to naturally have children),  but we decided it was best not to pursue anything at this time.  So, what now?  What will our life look like without children?  Isn’t everyone “supposed” to have children — you know…”be fruitful and multiply”?  What if we don’t?  So, we began to plan a life of freedom, fun, and lots of flexibility…Woo Hoo!!  We felt it in our bones…we were headed for lots of fun and lots of travel.  Then…

Walt’s mom passed away in March from Cirrhosis of the Liver.  Since gra’ma was living with Walt’s parents, the next question was “What will happen to gra’ma?”  Fast forward to May…here we are.   Trust me, in light of our recent plans, we thought long and hard about our decision, but ultimately, we knew and felt deeply in our hearts that we wanted to give gra’ma a great life.  We knew that gra’ma deserved the best options, we knew that Donna (Walt’s mom) would have been thrilled to know her mother was being well cared for, and we knew that gra’ma had a heart for fun deep down inside still jumping to get out.  So, here we are.

Grama moved in over a week ago, and we’ve had some moments where Walt and I have looked at each other and laughed and then we’ve looked at each other and asked, “What did we do?”  I hope you will walk with us through our journey and share your experiences  with us.  I look forward to sharing with you the good, the bad and the “not so pretty”.  Thanks for being there, thanks for listening, and thanks for sharing your thoughts.